How to Win Friends: A Summary of D. Carnegie Book // Briefs * Nonfixing

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: A famous psychologist teaches you how to communicate with people, make friends, win disputes and influence the thoughts and emotions of others.

If you want to immediately make a good impression - smile

A smile is the easiest way to tell a new acquaintance: "I like you, and I am very happy to meet you." Our actions and gestures speak more about our attitude towards others than words. We have a weakness for people who greet us with a smile. Noticing that a new acquaintance smiles at us, we are automatically imbued with sympathy for him. Show your interlocutor that communication gives you pleasure and you will make a good impression. Having noticed that you are glad to see him, the person will reciprocate.

The connection between a good mood and a smile is not one-sided. A person who often smiles has a positive effect on his own emotional state: consciously forcing yourself to smile, you can come in a good mood.

A smile does not cost anything, but it brings a lot of joy to all participants in communication.

If you want to please others, do not criticize them

Criticizing a person and pointing out mistakes, you will not force him to change his behavior and teach nothing. The behavior of people is primarily controlled not by the mind, but by emotions. Even justified criticism does not produce the desired effect. A person will not listen to your words, because he will feel hurt. He will immediately rebuff criticism and find an excuse.

Many successful people adhered to the principle of never openly expressing criticism.

Example. Benjamin Franklin argued that the secret to his success was "not to talk badly about anyone."

In his youth, Abraham Lincoln often ridiculed his opponents until a person who was once offended by him challenged him to a duel. And Lincoln stopped openly attacking others. During the Civil War, when many of his associates spoke sharply about Southerners, he uttered the famous phrase: “Do not criticize them; in such circumstances, we would be exactly the same. "

Condemning others is easy, but to understand people and forgive their mistakes and imperfections requires a strong character. If you want to please others, try to understand their motives, accept the flaws and make it your own rule to never openly criticize them. This criticism will harm you in the end.

If you want to get people around, try to give your approval often

The desire to achieve recognition of others is one of the strongest driving forces of human behavior. We all like to be praised and celebrated for our achievements. The desire to receive high praise and praise makes people conquer the highest mountains, write novels and create giant corporations.

The opportunity to receive a reward in the form of praise is a much more powerful incentive than the threat of punishment for poor work. Therefore, if you want to achieve someone’s disposition and willingness to provide services, you should show yourself to be a man who is grateful and generous to praise, and not prone to criticism.

Use simple phrases such as “Thank you” or “Sorry” and learn to give sincere praise. Do not try to win the favor of people with false flattery: they can figure out your trick, and all efforts will be in vain.

To achieve sincerity, an appropriate way of thinking is necessary. Ralph Waldo Emerson said that every person he met surpasses him in some way. We can always learn something from others and appreciate their positive aspects.

If you take others seriously and treat them with respect, then it will not be difficult for you to appreciate their work and express honest and sincere approval. In response to this, people will feel sympathy for you and will be happy to work with you.

If you want to be an interesting conversationalist, show interest in others

People tend to be primarily interested in themselves, and therefore they are always pleased to meet a person who shares this interest. Listen more, but don’t talk, so you will give the impression of a pleasant and interesting interlocutor. Ask people questions about their favorite topics and give the opportunity to speak out from the heart.

To seem interesting, you need to be interested. Give a person all your attention. Make a conscious effort, show that you are really interested in what he is talking about. Do not interrupt him and do not be distracted by yourself.

Example. Sigmund Freud was perfectly able to show his interlocutor how interesting he considers everything that he tells him about. In such a benevolent atmosphere, any constraint disappeared, and people freely shared with the professor their most secret experiences.

Anyone who talks too much about himself, does not know how to listen and constantly interrupts the interlocutor, causes hostility. Talking only about yourself is a sign of egoism, this deprives you of attractiveness in the eyes of others.

To show your interlocutor your approval, speak on a topic that interests him

Everyone likes to talk about what is important to him. We like people who share our interests.

Example. Theodore Roosevelt, every time he had a conversation with a new acquaintance, carefully prepared for the meeting: he studied everything related to the interests of this person. He understood that the path to the heart of any person lies through the ability to talk about the most valuable things for him.

Benjamin Disraeli: "Talk to the person about him, and he will listen to you for hours."

When meeting a person for the first time, try to find something in him that arouses your admiration, and tell him about it. You can always find an attractive trait in any person.

Example. Dale Carnegie once wanted to do something nice for a bored postal employee and remarked: “I would like to have such a head of hair as you have!”

The easiest way is to learn to sincerely acknowledge the virtues of others if you follow the golden rule: "Treat people the way you want them to treat you."

People appreciate the interlocutors who recognize their merits, remember their name and other details related to them.

If you want to win over a person, show him with enthusiasm how much you value him. Show that you are sincerely interested in him and his story, and remember everything that he told.

Be sure to remember the names, birthdays and other details. It takes some effort (you may have to take notes after each meeting with a person), but it pays off in the long run.

To win a person’s favor, often call him by name. The sound of your own name is pleasant to everyone. When you meet someone, remember what his name is and use this name several times in a conversation. The interlocutor will instantly be imbued with sympathy for you.

Example. Theodore Roosevelt was loved by all his employees and servants - he always addressed everyone by name. He deliberately set aside time to talk with them, and tried to remember the details of the conversation. He showed people that he appreciates them, while in return he received much more.

Avoid disputes - it is impossible to win in a dispute

In nine cases out of ten bickering, both parties are even more convinced that they are right.

Disputes do not lead to anything good. Whatever the outcome, your opponent will still not agree with you. On the contrary, he will despise you and your arguments.It’s best not to get into polemics at all.

It is not necessary that both parties have a consensus. A critical analysis of your views from the position of the opponent will bring much more benefit. Do not impose your ideas on him. Feel free to ponder the arguments of the other side instead of blindly rushing to defend your point of view.

If a dispute is necessary and inevitable, it is important to be able to maintain endurance and self-control. At the initial stage, the parties should not closely interact: let everyone think about the issue on their own. A personal meeting can be made only after the severity of the first emotional reaction has passed.

Never tell a person that he is wrong - by this you harden him

By telling a person that he is wrong, you are actually declaring: "I am smarter than you." And this is a direct blow to his self-esteem. The interlocutor will feel hurt and will want to repay the same.

When you want to express an opposite opinion, do not use such categorical formulations as "It is clear that ..." or "Obviously, the point is ...". Even if you are sure that you are smarter than others, never show it.

An effective way to push a person to revise their views is to show modesty and readiness for dialogue: “Actually, I myself think differently, but maybe I'm wrong. This often happens to me. Let's look at the facts again. ”

Clothe your disagreement in diplomatic forms. Using a delicate approach, you can quickly convince opponents, turning them into allies.

Example. Benjamin Franklin never entered into an open confrontation when dealing with people. And he excluded from his vocabulary the expressions “of course” and “without a doubt,” because he was convinced that they were too peremptory and reflect an inflexible mentality. Instead, he began to use the phrases "I suppose" or "It seems to me."

If you are wrong, admit it immediately and decisively

We all make mistakes, and we need to learn to recognize them. If you make a mistake and know what you’ll get for it now - take the lead by seizing the opponent’s initiative: quickly and decisively admit your own mistake. Effect: a second ago, the interlocutor intended to satisfy his pride, scolding you from the heart, but as soon as you admitted your “guilt”, he will be generous and show indulgence.

Example. When a policeman caught Dale Carnegie walking a dog without a muzzle, Carnegie was the first to say that he repented and terribly regretted his unforgivable misconduct. Under normal circumstances, the officer would gladly reproach the violator, but, having heard a hasty admission of guilt, did the opposite: he accepted Carnegie's apology and released him without a fine.

Criticizing oneself is much nicer than hearing accusations from others.

Public self-criticism allows you to gain the support and respect of others: everyone can justify themselves, but for the open recognition of their weaknesses and weaknesses, willpower is needed.

To convince the interlocutor, make him answer “yes” as often as possible

If you want to convince a person in something, in no case show him your intention. No one likes to change their mind. Act indirectly.

Win the sympathy of the interlocutor, showing a friendly attitude, courtesy and patience. If you behave aggressively and cocky, then the opponent will stop listening and will want to respond with a blow to strike in order to defend his position.

Emphasize your common ground. Focus on the same goals. Do not express your opinion until you are sure that the interlocutor is confident in the commonality of your interests.

When a person sees the similarity of your goals, try to persuade him to his point of view. An effective way to achieve this is to make the interlocutor agree with you as often as possible. When building your argument, ask your opponent a lot of small questions, to which he will be forced to answer “yes”.

Socrates method: the more affirmative answers you get during a conversation, the higher the likelihood that the interlocutor will agree with your true position on this issue.

Using this method, one can force a person to agree even with that statement against which he fiercely objected a few minutes ago.

The most important thing

To please others, smile, be a good listener and express your approval. Then people will treat you with great participation and willingly provide services.

How to immediately make a good impression and win over people?

If you want to immediately make a good impression, smile.
If you want to please others, do not criticize them.
If you want to get people around, try to give your approval often.

How to pass for an interesting and pleasant interlocutor?

If you want to be an interesting conversationalist, show interest in others.
To show your interlocutor your sympathy, speak on a topic that interests him.
People appreciate interlocutors who recognize their merits, remember their name and others related to their details.